Introducing Bill and Rene




Hello, I'm Bill and this is my wife Rene; when we first met I was living in a disused swimming pool in Canvey Island. That's not as barmy as it sounds actually because it was a ready made house without a roof, to my way of thinking. I covered over the shallow end with corrugated iron and ran a polythene curtain over the front. I was sheltered from the wind and when it rained all the water ran down to the deep end and away down the plughole

I make garden furniture and wrought iron work for a living but sculpt in my spare time, always have done. i even had some stuff in the Tate thanks to Jeremy Deller and his Folk Art collection. In the old days I had the other end of the pool as a workshop, it was fine in the summer but come winter I would cover it with old carpets on a wooden frame. Bit of an elephant trap really, being so close to The Jolly Gardeners.A stag-party came through one night, writhing all over the concrete they were. I'm getting married on Saturday said the one with his legs pointing the wrong way, you're bloody not now I told him.

Anyway, we live in a bungalow these days, still on Canvey. that's how we met Vic. He came into Rene's bakery on one of his Club outings and sampled our Stretchy Monkey Cake, we've been in touch ever since and he's finally persuaded us to introduce ourselves and our famous cake which Rene originally developed as a modelling medium.


Mac and Martin marvel at the intricacy of Stretchy Monkey cake
The cake is stretched before consumption

The 'stretchy' part of the recipe is a closely guarded secret, but here is a savoury version of something similar which you may like to try. They should be made in batches of five to represent the Playboys:


Make scrambled egg sandwiches , cut them into circles and cover with salad cream which may be tinted with HP or tabasco for a fleshy hue.

Mark the features with currants, pieces of cucumber skin and tomato.

Add grated carrot for the hair.