They say that drugs ruin young lives but they also ruin old sweaters. Many families are host to two and sometimes three generations of pot smokers wandering round in clothes peppered with tiny holes. Dope-burns are worn as a badge of pride, akin to the gold stars of the MacDonald empire. But these people are deluding themselves and encouraging an epidemic which threatens us all. Moths are invading our wardrobes and gorgeing themselves with impunity; the fear of detection and remedy by the addle-brained pothead nit-wits of this world has been removed. Moths are multiplying at an unprecedented rate which will soon leave us no option but to walk around in tea-bag garments or dress entirely in man-made fibres with disastrous consequences for both the environment and the world economy.

So what can be done, if anything, to remedy the situation? Three things:

1) When visiting a puffing pal take an orange stuck with cloves and hang it in their wardrobe on the way back from the bog.

2)Get stoned and run around naked.

3)That's about it really.